So, how DO you tell a woman you find her attractive?
My husband posed this very good question last night. He is of course one of the most feminist men I've ever met, which isn't saying a lot, growing up where I did (not Texas) but anyway, he's pretty good on this stuff.
I'll tell you a little story.
I'd just broken up a long relationship, very painfully. I was in graduate school. I was sitting in the cafeteria mournfully munching my sandwich. I finished, picked up my stuff, and left to go to my class. A male of about my own age (23ish at the time) ran after me and said, "Excuse me." I turned round.
"I'm sorry to bother you. You'll probably think I'm weird. But I was just sitting at your table (note - not 'watching you eat your sandwich' or anything else even approaching creepy. Not that it's bad to watch people or be attracted to someone, or to want to have sex with them. But I also happen to like people who wait until they are either in a relationship, or a hook-up, whatever, before they get too open about being, you know, sexually attracted. I prefer to wait until we've at least exchanged names and signals of interest before someone tells me what they'd like to happen. ) and I thought you were very attractive, and I thought I'd ask you if you wanted to get some coffee? My name is _____, I study ______ here." (see, coffee. Not oral sex, or public sex, group sex, or anything else.)
"Um, well, thanks, but - " (How do I explain this?)
"You have a boyfriend." (see, offering me, and him, a dignified way out.)
"Um... Yes. Yes I do." (I didn't, but what can I say, I'd just had my heart broken and didn't think I could even make small talk.)
I smiled.
"Thank you though."
"I'm sorry, I just, um, saw you, and thought, well, you know, why not, I'll ask..."
"Thank you. Don't be sorry!"
"Well, my mother always told me, if you don't ask, you don't get, do you?"
"Ha! That's very true. Well, thank you, it was nice to meet you. See you."
I did, many times afterwards, in the cafeteria, and we always smiled at each other in a friendly way. That day I went on my way a little more cheerful. That was complimentary.
It was also unthreatening and respectful.
I happen to think there is also a place for frank, unsubtle, sexual come-ons as well. I have made them and had them made to me, and good things have come out of them. I just like the person in question to make sure that I will probably not be scared by this first. For example, has one of us introduced ourselves? Have I been looking and smiling at them for a while? Do we know each other? Have I been flirting with you for a while? Stuff like that. Not, have I been walking at the side of a road you happen to be driving down, or am I waiting for a bus, or am I just there as you go about your daily life.
Ann Other
I'll tell you a little story.
I'd just broken up a long relationship, very painfully. I was in graduate school. I was sitting in the cafeteria mournfully munching my sandwich. I finished, picked up my stuff, and left to go to my class. A male of about my own age (23ish at the time) ran after me and said, "Excuse me." I turned round.
"I'm sorry to bother you. You'll probably think I'm weird. But I was just sitting at your table (note - not 'watching you eat your sandwich' or anything else even approaching creepy. Not that it's bad to watch people or be attracted to someone, or to want to have sex with them. But I also happen to like people who wait until they are either in a relationship, or a hook-up, whatever, before they get too open about being, you know, sexually attracted. I prefer to wait until we've at least exchanged names and signals of interest before someone tells me what they'd like to happen. ) and I thought you were very attractive, and I thought I'd ask you if you wanted to get some coffee? My name is _____, I study ______ here." (see, coffee. Not oral sex, or public sex, group sex, or anything else.)
"Um, well, thanks, but - " (How do I explain this?)
"You have a boyfriend." (see, offering me, and him, a dignified way out.)
"Um... Yes. Yes I do." (I didn't, but what can I say, I'd just had my heart broken and didn't think I could even make small talk.)
I smiled.
"Thank you though."
"I'm sorry, I just, um, saw you, and thought, well, you know, why not, I'll ask..."
"Thank you. Don't be sorry!"
"Well, my mother always told me, if you don't ask, you don't get, do you?"
"Ha! That's very true. Well, thank you, it was nice to meet you. See you."
I did, many times afterwards, in the cafeteria, and we always smiled at each other in a friendly way. That day I went on my way a little more cheerful. That was complimentary.
It was also unthreatening and respectful.
I happen to think there is also a place for frank, unsubtle, sexual come-ons as well. I have made them and had them made to me, and good things have come out of them. I just like the person in question to make sure that I will probably not be scared by this first. For example, has one of us introduced ourselves? Have I been looking and smiling at them for a while? Do we know each other? Have I been flirting with you for a while? Stuff like that. Not, have I been walking at the side of a road you happen to be driving down, or am I waiting for a bus, or am I just there as you go about your daily life.
Ann Other
posted by Holla Back Texas at 6:45 AM
2 Comments:
I think this is my favorite post on any of the Holla sites so far. I see all these posts talking about the bad ways guys pick up girls. It's nice to finally see an example of the many guys out there who know how to do it right and have good intentions. I think these sites shouldn't just be a way to alert women of the sleezes that are out there and to fight against them. I think they should also help us appreciate the truly good guys that are out there.
Glad you liked it. I still smile when I think about that, it was so sweet. For me it was also very unusual as most of my relationships have been people I already at least vaguely knew or was friends with, and I think a large number of people, if not most people, meet their partners that way if they are in college or working at a large company or something. I can't really think of any other examples in my life where someone has approached me out of nowhere.
I also thought it was useful to the discussion since so many people respond with 'Well, if we don't do XYZ, how will anyone ever get dates because women won't do it / how will the human race continue / etc.' and of course for a lot of people that's an excuse to harass.
L
Post a Comment
<< Home