Give me a smile.... you racist
The other day I was in a big-box style bookstore, in Texarkana on the way back from Arkansas. I walked over to a helpdesk and was waiting to ask an assistant if they had any books in Spanish, since I had found nothing and I didn't want to waste any more time. I had my arms folded and was facing about 2 o'clock from the helpdesk. A man asking questions of an assistant to my left turned round mid-conversation, looked me up and down extremely blatantly, reached over to me from about 5 feet away, stopped just short of touching me, and said "How YOU doin'?" in delightful Joey-from-Friends style. "Hey, d'you wanna give me a smile?"
"Not to a complete stranger, no" I replied. The assistant continued to try and help him.
He muttered something else at me. "Stop harassing me," I responded.
"I'm not harassing you, I just asked you to give me a smile."
"Leave me alone."
"mumble mumble harassment mumble mumble"
"Leave me alone."
"You're a racist."
"I don't like to be harassed by anyone."
"Racist."
"You shouldn't be bothering me at all, why can't you just leave me alone?"
"Racist."
"Hi, can I help you?"
"Yes, I was just wondering if you have books in Spanish? A section or anything, or any kids' books?"
"No, we don't, I'm sorry."
"OK, thanks, bye."
I went to find my husband to tell him we needed to leave because I had just been called a racist for asking someone to stop bothering and embarrassing me, and that for that reason I now felt threatened on top of all that. He asked what had been said, I repeated it word for word. He can't believe it. We walked past him, with him still glaring threateningly at us both. I wondered if my husband was about to get beaten up, as he was always gloomily predicting would happen before we came to this country if I ever "started mouthing off" at anyone.
I was too scared to take a picture of him and my husband had the camera phone. When we got to the car I was steamed enough to look for my camera and considered going back in... but ultimately bottled out.
Oh, how I wish I'd had the wit to respond to 'You're a racist' with 'And you're a sexist'. Because, of course, calling me a racist is easy to do and probably has some truth in it*. But I hope readers believe his race (which I don't need to define for this post as it's not relevant - I guess you only need to know that it's different to mine) was not foremost in my mind when I asked him to stop bothering me.
*At least I'm working on it, though.
Ann Other
"Not to a complete stranger, no" I replied. The assistant continued to try and help him.
He muttered something else at me. "Stop harassing me," I responded.
"I'm not harassing you, I just asked you to give me a smile."
"Leave me alone."
"mumble mumble harassment mumble mumble"
"Leave me alone."
"You're a racist."
"I don't like to be harassed by anyone."
"Racist."
"You shouldn't be bothering me at all, why can't you just leave me alone?"
"Racist."
"Hi, can I help you?"
"Yes, I was just wondering if you have books in Spanish? A section or anything, or any kids' books?"
"No, we don't, I'm sorry."
"OK, thanks, bye."
I went to find my husband to tell him we needed to leave because I had just been called a racist for asking someone to stop bothering and embarrassing me, and that for that reason I now felt threatened on top of all that. He asked what had been said, I repeated it word for word. He can't believe it. We walked past him, with him still glaring threateningly at us both. I wondered if my husband was about to get beaten up, as he was always gloomily predicting would happen before we came to this country if I ever "started mouthing off" at anyone.
I was too scared to take a picture of him and my husband had the camera phone. When we got to the car I was steamed enough to look for my camera and considered going back in... but ultimately bottled out.
Oh, how I wish I'd had the wit to respond to 'You're a racist' with 'And you're a sexist'. Because, of course, calling me a racist is easy to do and probably has some truth in it*. But I hope readers believe his race (which I don't need to define for this post as it's not relevant - I guess you only need to know that it's different to mine) was not foremost in my mind when I asked him to stop bothering me.
*At least I'm working on it, though.
Ann Other
posted by Holla Back Texas at 5:27 PM
14 Comments:
I just wanted to say that I don't think asking someone to smile for them is exactly harrassment and doesn't really warrant the attitude this girl gave...however, if someone asks not to be bothered...that is a very ill disguised hint that you should probably leave them alone. At that point she was well within her rights to tell him to fuck off. And it really ticks me off that some people throw the word "racist" out at every possible opportunity...seriously.
Well, my feeling was (and always is when I am ordered to smile by a complete stranger) that it's my face (not his) and as such I'll do what I want with it. I feel that ordering an unknown woman to smile is a signal that someone thinks women are basically there for their use/entertainment/whatever. I don't have to smile because someone asks me to, unless they are my employer and smiling is somehow in my job description (shudders at the thought).
What would have happened if I had smiled for him, as I sometimes did when I was a bit younger? I imagine he would have got the impression that I was interested in him, it would probably not have looked especially genuine, and I would have felt that I was doing his bidding, as if he'd told me to dance for him, or wait on him, or whatever.
Also, I asked him to stop bothering me pretty quickly, and I didn't tell him to fuck off. I would think that would be a huge escalation and jeopardize my own safety. All in all, I basically find it appalling that I was subjected to this, to this level of fear and embarrassment, anywhere, let alone a public place like a bookshop in the middle of the afternoon.
Yes, asking someone to give them a smile probably does rank a little lower on the obnoxiousness (and threateningness, although that's not a word) scale than some of the stories I've seen, but as far as I'm concerned it doesn't make it OK. I don't discount some of the stories which are basicaly that someone was staring*, or whatever - if a woman feels threatened by it, and there is no extra factor such as her suffering from a mental illness, that's good enough for me.
*(There is a fine line, of course, between merely looking at a person and staring creepily, and it's not always easy to tell when it has been crossed, but as a general rule most cultures we come from acknowledge that once the staree has noticed, it's time to stop.)
The race thing is, I guess, not even relevant, or it shouldn't be, but it was interesting that he was basically using the tools at his disposal to admonish me. I guess he was just using the vocabulary that sprang to mind to denote that he felt I was wrong to refuse him and be slightly rude to him. Another option might have been 'bitch' or whatever.
Well, in general, I'm glad this is being discussed. Thanks for your comment Meg! I hope you keep coming by and reading.
L
I'm gonna weigh in and agree with the original poster on this one. Men asking (or ordering) women they don't know to smile is obnoxious and harassing because it implies that the man somehow has a right to request (or demand) that the woman always appear friendly, welcoming, and accomodating. I HATE when strange men in the street tell me to smile. Who the hell are they to tell me what to do with my face?
My feeling is: If I don't feel like smiling I don't feel like smiling. You don't like the look on my face you can look at something else, I never asked you to look at me in the first place. And ordering somebody to smile isn't a "friendly" thing. Neither is "saluting" people walking down the street you don't know and then getting belligerent when they don't want to talk to your ass. I had that happen a while ago when I was walking to a store after work one day, this guy I've never seen before goes "Good Evening" and I didn't say anything back, from behind me I hear this loud "I SAID Good Evening". So I look over my shoulder, and I'm the wrong gender to be worried about rape but I'm thinking What? Is this guy drunk looking for a fight? It's Belligerent Friendly Man! So I just looked at him for a couple of seconds and then I really grudgingly said "...Good Evening" and kept my eye on him as I was walking away.
Ladies:
this is CLEARLY why the overvault of feminist rhetoric results in the necessary death of chivalry.
The reason the man asked you to smile is the same reason men open doors for women we don’t know, help strange women lift heavy things, etc.
The man obviously wanted to make small talk, which IN AMERICA is everyone's right. I can say "hey, how's it going?" to other men, older ladies, and yes even attractive women. How arrogant to think that you're too good to be offered small talk.
One way to solve this is for all MEN to see all women as MEN. Then, no small talk, no chivalry, no respect for the elements that make a female feminine, no nothing. And if you think this is “success” for the feminist movement, you have no idea how tough men are on other men. You will be ground to powder, emotionally and otherwise.
Thanks for nothing, Ann Rand! Wake up and see that the world is organic, and messy and yet that human contact still makes it all worth while.
When women (and they do) ask me to help them lift something, etc. should I say "go f*ch yourself, you don’t own me??"
Don’t be so stupid we're all people, we all imperfect. Get over yourself.
EVERYMAN
With regard to anonymous and "saluting" ... why is it so difficult for you to say "Good evening" to a stranger especially when you live in Texas? A few years ago I had a friend visiting from New York. For the first two days she was in town she was under the impression that everyone knew me because so many people would say hello to me and I to them. When she finally remarked about all my friends, I explained to her that we were in Texas and people were friendly and courteous here.
Just because someone says hello or chit-chats with you at the store does not mean they are interested in you (regardless of their sex - I say this because I live in a neighborhood known for its gay population even though I am straight). I like to think we are friendlier down here (I love the way people wave to you out in the country - does not matter whether they know you or not, they just want to say hello).
Unfortunately, people are not as friendly as they used to be. Now a days I am running into too many people that can't be bothered to greet you (who is raising these people?!). Well, they are friendly when they need to be: After I split up with my ex, my dog and I moved into an apartment complex. I was used to greeting everyone I saw in my old neighborhood regardless if I knew them or not. At my new place, there were a bunch of young professionals (as in just out of college) that never responded. Then one day, this one person walks up to me, says hello and tells me what a great dog I have. Now, this is the same person that could not be bothered to say hello for the past few weeks. Something was up: Her car's battery was dead and would I mind giving her a jump? Do you think I gave her a jump?
Again, he wasn't making small talk, saying hello, or offering to help: he was demanding a smile.
I greet all my neighbors too. We're not talking about greetings.
Holla Back Texas
Dear Man Who Met The Belligerent Friendly Man: Thank you so much for understanding and seeing why it is threatening and taking the time to comment. I'll write more when I have more time; your comment interested me in many different ways. I hope you'll keep reading!
to "Ann other"--he was asking for a smile. Dont play word games, he wasnt demanding. Should i say you insulted him or refused him?
Im guessing if Brad Pitt asked you for a smile, that would not be some big problem.
At the very least be honest with your darned self.
EVERYMAN
The "give me a smile" comment might just have annoyed me, but in the context of "looked me up and down extremely blatantly," I understand how Ann Other felt harassed. This is beyond Southern friendliness (for the record, I'm from South Carolina, and I live in Texas).
Some years ago, I had a similar experience. I was working in a music store, and an African American guy told me--quite loudly--that I had the "ass of a black woman." I really don't know any other way to interpret that but as harassment. I was so flabbergasted that I just didn't say anything and walked away. He called me an "uptight white bitch." I'm afraid that anything I could have said short of coming on to him would have been labeled "racist."
As for the smiling issue, I really don't appreciate perfect strangers asking me to smile, even if there is no sexual harassment. There are an amazing number of people out there who seem to think that this is a perfectly acceptable request to make. I'm sure they think it's friendly, so I don't jump on them, but I don't automatically smile at them either.
This is ridiculous! Being born and raised in Texas and now in my thirties, there is nothing wrong with a guy requesting a smile. He wasn't making a crude gesture; it sounds like he was just being polite (and maybe flirty) since she was waiting in line behind him. Nothing about her story says he was demanding a smile. I would probably say something rude to her too if she reacted the way she did...not the racist card, but I probably would have called her a rude bitch or something. These liberal feminist women need to get over themselves because there are still plenty of us truly feminine women that enjoy men being polite, friendly and all around gentlemen. For the gentlemen left out there, please continue being polite and friendly (I’m not meaning gross or crude) and just ignore the rude bitches like this lady.
"Yes, asking someone to give them a smile probably does rank a little lower on the obnoxiousness (and threateningness, although that's not a word) scale than some of the stories I've seen..."
Yes, I would say that it ranks A LOT lower than actually being harassed or violated.
This is Texas. Good ole boys abound, and just because they ask you for a smile doesn't mean they have any negative intentions toward you. Have you ever worked in a coffee shop? Restaurant? Those patrons asked me to smile all the time and I never felt offended by it.
Harassment is a perception. What one woman finds offensive, another may find complimentary.
I have to take Everyman's side on this one. Feminism tells us that women are strong and independent and don't need men, yet at the same time, women are helpless, potential victims and must be looked after like children.
Sorry, feminism. You can't have it both ways.
is this site dead or what?
No, it's just run by someone who had a family emergency.
I probably shouldn't get too embroiled in debate, apart from saying that I am glad to see people reading and thinking about the issue.
However, I would like to say that just because it's Texas doesn't make it OK.
Jenn: "Harassment is a perception. What one woman finds offensive, another may find complimentary." Well, we certainly agree there.
And of course it is not as bad as being 'violated' (by which I assume you mean raped). However, this site is about, for example, those women (of which there are many) who do find it anything on the scale between annoying, offensive and threatening.
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Also, (a generalised comment to everyone) feminism really isn't about saying that women are the same as men, or that they are especially strong or should be un"feminine". It's about having the same rights and level of respect as men. They don't have to be thought of as the same to be respected equally, just as different races and religions don't have to. This can take many different forms, and there are many different strands of feminist thought. Many feminists strongly disagree with each other on the ways this respect should be achieved.
Everyman, I believe you *do* feel that the reaction (i.e. saying that I would not smile for a stranger on request) was insulting.
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In general, I notice that (not just on this site) a lot of people feel that there is some right that everyone has to get a smile (or a conversation, or a phone number, or a view of a body part, or whatever) from a stranger. What is it that makes people feel they should be able to do this, I wonder? Why are they often upset when it is declined?
And, let's not forget, the response was "Not to a complete stranger, no." Not yelling, not abuse, not screaming 'you are violating my personal space!' (even though he was.) It's really quite restrained, *but it is there*.
Should women not be able to give a restrained response? Or would the ideal behavior be silence?
From my experience, silence tends to make matters worse, if anything. They often get angry or resort to louder and more obvious tactics, which are usually intimidating and humiliating.
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